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Why New Year’s resolutions are a blankety-blank

Why New Year’s resolutions are a blankety-blank

“This year, my resolutions are …,”

We’ve all done it, so you may as well own it. Every year, right about this time, we all start talking about the New Year’s resolutions we’re making. We’re all going to quit smoking. We’re all going to lose weight. We’re all going to take more time for ourselves and spend less time working. We’re going to get that promotion. We’re going to live somewhere that doesn’t have boob sweat. All these resolutions are promises to ourselves that we’re going to be better next year. But are we setting ourselves up for failure? Are resolutions helpful or harmful? Why can’t we just love ourselves?

Self-harming resolutions


“I’m going to lose one hundred and fifteen pounds by June twentieth because I have a wedding I’m going to. I talked to this doctor online and they signed me up for a six hundred calorie per day diet. It promises results in the first two weeks!”

I wish I could say I’m kidding but that is something someone has said to me in the last twelve days. And to look at her, you would never think there’s seventy-five pounds that she needs to lose, let alone one hundred and fifteen! And sadly, she is not the only person that I know of who makes resolutions that are actually harmful. As a whole, society bombards us with commercials and images that show people getting into shape, sweating on a treadmill (in full makeup no less), buying workout gear (No, Janice, you do not need a subscription to buying workout gear), and make it seem as though you can simply jump off your couch and be that person. Then they advertise crash diets, fad workouts, or magic pills that will “melt your fat away”. None of these things are good for you. And they will hurt you.

Helpful resolutions

If your goal is to achieve weight loss, look into speaking with a nutritionist. If your goal is to workout more, start small. Start walking around the dining room table, then down the street, and then perhaps look into a gym membership. Don’t try to run a 5k in February when you’ve never even made it to ten thousand steps in a day. Instead of eating less, eat smarter; look into eating habits that support your whole body. Make a routine for yourself to do meal prep one day a week. Sign up for a subscription dinner box. Yes, they can be expensive but if you’re smart about them, you can make them work. Try a few different companies and make your decision from there. You can also look into healthy snack boxes that come pre-portioned.

If your goal is to just move more, make it fun. Set a realistic goal (thirty thousand steps in a week) and reward yourself with a manicure. Or perhaps a book you’ve been wanting to read. Something that has nothing to do with clothes or numbers on a scale. I reward myself with really indulgent coffee. Technically not food and still a true pleasure for me.

Self-care resolutions

You can also make resolutions that help you to take care of yourself. Yes, the walking steps is helpful but I’m talking about routines that help you to recharge. I’ve made resolutions to meditate at least three times a week, or to save all my spare change and whatever it comes up to at the end of the year is my “getaway money”. In 2018, I’m participating in the “$5000 52 Week Money Challenge” to save five thousand dollars by the end of the year. I have no idea how I’m going to spend it, but I’m making a resolution to save it.

New Year’s resolutions are fun and, whether you achieve them or not, remember that loving yourself is the most important aspect. You don’t have to kill yourself to achieve the perfect body by February; you can still enjoy cream in your coffee. Make a resolution to love yourself no matter what and you’ve already made it further than most.

Good luck.


Do orgasms really matter to men? The pros and cons of orgasm training.

Do orgasms really matter to men? The pros and cons of orgasm training.

Orgasms. Are they important? If you ask any man on the planet, he’d probably answer yes; but then again, he’s interested in getting off whereas I’m interested in controlling it. You see, I don’t believe in giving men orgasms unless they’ve truly earned it. Worked for it. Shown me they deserve to have their orgasms. So let’s explore whether or not orgasms are important or if training yourself to not orgasm isn’t a better choice.

I want orgasms

The obvious benefit to orgasms is how good they feel. Your body gets flush, your hips start to rock faster, and this weight starts to build in the pit of your stomach. Whether you’re masturbating or fucking, the feeling is the same (internally anyway) and we spend our entire adult lives chasing after how good that very first orgasm we ever had felt. Yes, I’m talking about the one you triggered, not your first wet dream. But there are also other benefits to orgasms.

Medical benefits of orgasms

As much as it pains me to admit it, there are actual benefits to having an orgasm that can’t be denied. To start with (and this one is really more of a benefit to me than you) it helps you sleep better. I’m not even going to deny this one is a benefit because … well I’m sure you’re all familiar with my love of coffee. But for those of you out there that work as hard as I do, something that helps to ease you back to sleep is definitely important.

You can also alleviate pain through orgasms. Now, you aren’t going to get rid of the kind of pain that CBT can cause (thank god) but if you have an ache or a “twinge”, cumming will actually help you. Orgasms trigger the release of oxytocin, which is a major contributor to relaxation (Or you can just eat a fuck ton of chocolate?). It’s the magic chemical that makes natural childbirth possible and another reason why women are superior to men.

Surprisingly, it can actually make you smarter. Well, at the least, it can stave off dementia. Orgasms increase blood flow to every part of your brain, which can slow the neural degradation we all suffer from as we age. So … masturbate daily to keep the dumb away, I guess?

Health benefits to orgasms

As mentioned above, orgasms help you to sleep and a good night’s sleep can help you to maintain your overall health. In a study at Caerphilly Cohort Study in 1997, it was found that men who orgasm more frequently actually live longer! No, this doesn’t mean orgasms will make you immortal (but it doesn’t NOT mean that either).

In “news that will shock no one”, orgasms also make women happier. And you want to make sure your woman is happy or you’re going to find yourself eating hasenpfeffer for dinner for a good, long while. Okay so that’s perhaps a bit of an exaggeration but there are actual studies out there that show women are less depressed when they have unprotected sex with a trusted partner. Key word there is “trusted” … keep using condoms when you’re having sex until you’re tested and clean and trustworthy.

And finally, the one you’ve all been waiting for. Orgasms increase testosterone in your body. So the stories you heard about that guy in high school who was such a stud, he could fuck for days? Yeah … turns out, the more you cum, the more testosterone you have.

You don’t deserve orgasms

Now that we’ve discussed the “pros”, let’s talk cons. First and foremost, in my world, is that it takes your focus away from me and puts it firmly on you. I don’t care how many times you tell me you think of me as you cum, I know it’s bullshit. And that’s okay (for other women) occasionally but I want your focus directly on me at any and every point of our intimacy. When your orgasm starts, you’re thinking about how good it feels for you, not whether or not I’m getting off. This has been proven time and again by every woman who has ever had to finish herself off after her lover finished and fell asleep. This is another reason why I operate on the “you nut, you leave” policy. I’m not here to snuggle with you. You want someone to snuggle with, get a puppy. I live in Florida, the land of boob sweat. I don’t want you laying next to me, sweating on my sheets.

Another “con” is in how good it feels to not orgasm. I know, doesn’t seem to make sense but hear me out. If you are denied your orgasms for a period of time, the first cum you have after that period of denial feels even closer to that mythical first orgasm you had. With tease and denial, or even tease and delay, you can improve your orgasm by not having one. So by letting you jerk off every day, I’m allowing you to miss out on something truly spectacular. And I’d feel awful if I didn’t ensure you felt every moment.

There are far more “pros” than there are “cons” but, this is my world you’re living in. Chastity is definitely in your future.

Tell me what you think! Comment below or reach out to me via social media.

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Let’s talk about racism in porn (and why it’s a shitty shade of segregation)

Let’s talk about racism in porn (and why it’s a shitty shade of segregation)

We all know racism lives on in our society. All you have to do is look at the controversy surrounding NFL players taking a knee. Or listen to Beyonce’s Formation. Anywhere and everywhere you look, racism can be seen. The #BlackLivesMatter movement started it and it’s taken on a life of it’s own. Personally, I cannot abide any style of racism or discrimination; segregation was settled in 1954 with Brown v The Board of Education of Topeka. Separate but equal is bullshit. That’s why we have seats on busses, integrated school systems, and abolished lunch counters. (okay that’s a lie. Lunch counters were abolished when “homecooked” food became unpopular.) So why, in 2017, are we still fighting the same fight again? And who the fuck let racism into my porn?

Raci- who?

On 22 November, the gay arm of the AVN (@GayVN on twitter) announced they would be hosting an award show in 2018. The last awards show from GayVN was in 2010 so perhaps they felt it was time. Whatever the reason, I soon started to see a flurry of congratulations flying back and forth among some of my favourite performers. I was honestly pleased for them; they work hard and deserve the recognition. Not to mention, if I’d had the opportunity to attend, who doesn’t love to get all dolled up? And then, a day or so later, one such performer that I admire, Hugh Hunter, posted something on his twitter wherein he “respectfully declined” the nomination because of the open racism and segregation.

A dick is a dick

To say the least, I was confused and a bit surprised. I admit to my own privileged ignorance when it comes to racism in the adult film industry; I noticed that there are precious few performers that aren’t buff, gorgeous, white, men. And of those performers that don’t fit that role, their opportunities are limited to being fetishized. Black performers are relegated to wife-stealing bulls whereas Asian performers are stereotyped for their tiny stature. Sadly, I can’t say that I was a huge champion of their cause before this award announcement. But moving forward, you can bet your Queen Bits’ panties that I’ll shine a bloody floodlight on it. Performers should be categorized by many things; ability to act, ability to stay hard, ability to make my panties implode when they start making out … wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah … dicks.

Best … WHAT?

So, back to my outrage. When Hugh respectfully declined his nomination, he posted the below.

Take a minute and read that. I mean, yes by all means, go read the entire letter (it’s scathingly beautiful) … but just read that first line and let it sink in. Really sink in.

Best ethnic scene

So let me get this perfectly straight, because I wouldn’t want to be misunderstood. The Adult Video News brand, through it’s gay division thought having a best ethnic scene was acceptable. Like, they couldn’t just have a “Best Scene” and nominated the non-whites in with the whites but oh no! They felt the best course of action would be to segregate an already underserved and marginalized percentage of it’s performers. So whoever wins can say they got an award for being both (race) and (position) as opposed to just winning for that position. Asinine doesn’t even begin to explain how ridiculous that sounds when you read it out loud, right?

Eradicate racism

We cannot tolerate racism at any level. We should not allow racism and segregation to make any performer feel lesser than. Already, a few performers have joined Hugh Hunter in his refusal of the nomination and I hope more join in the fight. Judge a performer for their performance, regardless of whether they are white, black, ocre, dandelion yellow, or grey with indigo stripes. Please take a moment to tweet to @gayvn and add your voice to the fight.

Tag me in your Tweet and I’ll happily throw three free minutes at you. @RyanEKillian

Let’s talk about marathons and giveaways

Let’s talk about marathons and giveaways

This is going to be a short and sweet post letting you know I have a surprise for you. Beginning on 10 November 2017 and going through to 13 November 2017, I am going to be giving away some surprise free minutes to chat with me. This will be on my twitter account so make sure you follow @TheDirtyOracle and throughout the day I might just announce, “First person to call me right now is getting a surprise!”

  • Might be a custom audio
  • Might be free minutes
  • Might be a handwritten note
  • Might be some dirty written erotica just for you

I’m going to be working longer hours over those three days to maximize your chance to win a prize.

Good luck!

Let’s talk about vibrators

Let’s talk about vibrators

Most adults have a vibrator. You may not be admitting to it but you absolutely have or have had a vibrator of some kind. And it’s not any different if you’re male identified, female identified, or genderfluid; vibrators are almost a rite of passage for a teenager moving into adulthood. Admittedly, today in 2017, the choice of vibrators in the regular sex shoppes are all the same and the average person isn’t going to research better, but you should! A vibrator can enhance your sex life, whether solo or with partner(s).

My first vibrator

It’s safe to say that everyone has, at one point or another, owned one. The phallic shaped, hard plastic vibrator that looked more like an elongated bullet than sex toy. It was battery operated, had the controls in the base which controlled the speed, and it was a solid first introduction to clitoral stimulation. Some people continue to use them because, while they aren’t fancy, they do get the job done. It’s unisexual and easy to use. It wasn’t much for insertion but for direct clitoral or prostate stimulation, it got it done.

A less terrible vibrator

After a few years, you graduated from the plastic phallus to something better. Women usually went for rabbit style vibrators, where the shaft was more realistic shaped but included a bonus clitoral stimulator. Men either give up on vibrators and move on towards masturbators, such as a sleeve, or they enjoy prostate massagers that vibrate. And that’s usually where the exploration stops. (keep in mind, this is purely about vibrators and we aren’t discussing dildos yet). The rabbit style vibrator is pretty much king in the average American household. Bullet vibrators and the occasional foray into a vibrating anal plug spice things up, but as far as vibrators go, this is the end.

Introducing sex bloggers

Over the last five years or so, more and more blogs are popping up with individuals that identify as “sex bloggers”. Allow me to say, right up front, these women are angels in my eyes. They opened my eyes to a world of vibrators I’d never even thought of. In particular, Kate Sloan of Girly Juice has a toybox complete with a rating system that has inspired me to try a few that I’d never even heard of. And my orgasms have been more powerful and more relaxing than any I’ve had in the past. The Eroscillator is a new favourite because it’s less like a vibrator and more like a … well, it’s like a pulsing as opposed to the pounding of a vibrator. And who doesn’t love a vibrator that plugs in as opposed to batteries that die just at the wrong moment. The Eroscillator is not cheap but it is a truly fantastic investment for your sexual exploration.

I assume you’ve read through to the end and that you’ve owned a vibrator in the past. So, tell me which are your favourites? Have you tried any vibrators that are on your must own list?



Let’s talk about porn, obscenity laws, and free speech.

Let’s talk about porn, obscenity laws, and free speech.

What is it about porn that makes it so exciting? If you look at it objectively, there really shouldn’t be anything exciting about watching other people get sweaty, sticky, and make funny faces at each other. We literally make fun of what we call “o faces” or “porn face”. There’s a character on a show called Pornstache (or there was. I don’t know if he’s still there. I never watched it but my bride is in love with it). If you look on social media, the average porn star has upwards of ten thousand followers and legendary porn stars, such as my friend Nick, have almost seventy-thousand on Twitter alone. Combine with Facebook and you are looking at an average of forty thousand individuals following a single porn star; but to admit that is to be a social pariah?`

Where did porn come from?

Since the earliest recorded histories, porn has been part of the human thread. Venus figurines dating back to the stone age as well as rock paintings that depicted sexual acts were discovered all across Europe and the United States. In the third century, those darlings of dialect known as the Greeks invented a new word by combining pornē (prostitute) and graphein (to record) to give us ‘pornographia‘. The literal translation is “a written description of prostitution” and the modern dictionary includes illustration mediums such as film and still images. It was translated into French and then to English, coming to the United States through the French around 1842. It wasn’t until more than one hundred years later, around 1952, it was shortened to ‘porno’ and then another decade to become ‘porn’. From there, the word (and the industry that has surrounded it) has become as much a part of our culture as coffee. 

The Legality of Porn

In 1748, Fanny Hill, historically accepted as the first porn book, was published in two installments in The Strand under the penname G. Fenton. This work was the first prose pornography in existence and was the first to use the novel format. It was a year after publication that the two men responsible for publishing it were arrested for “corrupting the King’s subjects”. When the trial came, the actual author, John Cleland (who had written the book while in debtor’s prison) renounced the book in open court and the charges were dropped.

Obscenity Laws in the UK

A little more than one hundred years later, the first obscenity laws were passed with the English Obscene Publications Act of 1857. Lord Chief Justice, Lord John Campbell presided over a case regarding the sale of pornography and he famously compared the sale of porn in London as, “a sale of poison more deadly than prussic acid, strychnine or arsenic”. Despite arguments against the law in both Houses of Parliament, it passed with the assurance that it was “… intended to apply exclusively to works written for the single purpose of corrupting the morals of youth and of a nature calculated to shock the common feelings of decency in any well-regulated mind.” Of course, the House of Commons at the time amended the final law so as to not apply to Scotland (apparently they were already strict enough on their porn. I’m sure the sheep were very happy to hear that) (yes I’m kidding. I love sheep and want them happy)

Obscenity Laws in the US

Not to be outdone, the Comstock Laws were rapidly passed by Congress in 1873 in reaction to the scandalous amount of porn available during the Civil War. (Yeah, I had trouble with that one as well but the read itself is quite interesting. Who knew it had inadvertently created the first brothel in the United States!) Comstock laws were targeted at what amounted to the Civil War version of the Adam & Eve catalogue. Back in the day, apparently your boys in grey and blue had themselves quite the issue with VD, prostitutes, and circulars that featured “fancy” stories and illustrations (apparently “fancy’ is their way of saying dirty). And the laws were so restrictive that the United States Postal Service once refused to deliver anatomy textbooks to medical students. Lucky for us, however, the Comstock Laws came to an eventual end by 1957. (Yeah, I wish that was a typo as well).

The Modern Take

Thankfully, we live in a far more modern age. Gone are the days of the government watching over your shoulder to make sure you are the right ki … oh. Wait. Sorry. Ahem, well this is awkward. It’s okay though. We’re okay. Let’s try this again, just after I affix this red sash about my waist. Yes? Let’s.

Sadly, while the porn industry has made massive strides forward in the fight for the First Amendment, and despite the industry itself being a multi-million (if not billion) dollar enterprise, you would think that porn alternately doesn’t exist but is also responsible for every awful thing ever. And gay porn? Oh forget it. Gay porn is responsible for famine, drought, the collapse of Donald Trump’s second marr … no, I’m kidding. His third marriage was responsible for the collapse of his second. And yet … Billion$ of dollar$ are $pent on porn every day. All around the world. Between films, clips, phone sex, cam sites, and written erotica, you can barely browse the internet without stumbling over something someone is going to find lascivious and lewd.

Wait … sorry … that’s me. I’m the one who stumbles into that. Primarily because I’m morally overdrawn. And I really like saying dirty things. See … ‘dirty things’ … got a little tickle there. Hang on, I’m going to need a minute. Make that two … possibly three if you want to hear me saying ‘dirty things’. You can, you know. Take a peek over at my twitter page and you’ll probably find some contact information somewhere. Or google “Mistress Ryan” and see what comes up.

I’m working more during the day lately and I honestly have no idea how you daytime people do this. It’s exhausting. I miss working overnight and chatting up a pervert or two in the middle of the night. Soon, I hope, I’ll be back to my normal.

Until then … watch some porn and tell me what your favourites are.